Hollywood created a stereotype of a graduate who moved back home and instead of lining up appointments with prospective employers, spends his days floating around in the pool. His parents look up from the tuition bills, tell him to “get a job,” and wonder why they bothered investing in his education and what’s next for their son.
Their son is wondering the same thing.
But I don’t think most graduates return home to avoid responsibility. Instead, they see their return as temporary, and an excellent opportunity for them “to get on a firm financial footing.” Yet, without a specific plan and some honest conversations with Mom and Dad, it can be easy for these young adults to lose their way.
Overlooked Transition
More college grads are heading home after finishing their studies. Recent Pew Research polls found that “the share of 18- to 29-year-olds living with their parents has become a majority since U.S. coronavirus cases began spreading early this year, surpassing the previous peak during the Great Depression era.”
Having a graduate return home can be one of the most overlooked and difficult transitions a parent faces. It shouldn’t surprise us when conflict rears its ugly head. Parents are in a quandary: they still have expectations of their kids, but their parental role has changed.
Their child has been living on his own, navigating roommate challenges, laundry, meals, and his schedule. He’s not the same kid who left for college. He’s not a kid at all. But he may not be viewed by his parents as an adult. Parents might think it wise for their kids to follow their instructions, but as far as adult children are concerned, it’s now an option as to whether or not they will.
Arrows Are to Be Sent Out
The Bible doesn’t specify what’s required of an adult child living at home. But Psalm 127 is a helpful reminder: “Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain” (v. 1). Parents labor to raise godly children, watch over them, and protect them. It can be hard to know when to switch gears and let them go.
Having a graduate return home can be one of the most overlooked and difficult transitions a parent faces.
As parents enter a season where they must quell the instinct to rush in, rescue, and control, it’s good to remember the Lord reigns over our kids’ lives. Later in that psalm, children are described as “arrows in the hand of a warrior” (v. 4). It speaks to purpose: arrows aren’t meant to be kept close to one’s chest—they’re to be sent on their mission. We need to see this time as temporary and look toward the day they go out on their own.
Here are five things I learned to do when my kids came home.
1. Communicate early and often.
While an adult child may no longer need to obey her parents in the strictest sense, she’s required to honor them. This means respecting the rules that everyone living in the home must abide by. But to do that, rules need to be clarified, especially since circumstances have changed. Parents would be wise to take the initiative and plan a meeting with their adult child not to command her obedience but to collaborate with her on a healthy transition.
2. Communicate specifics.
Will you require your adult child to pay rent? Contribute to utilities? Pay for meals? What chores will he be doing and how often? Can he invite guests over, and when? By what date do you expect him to move out? It might be helpful to agree to meet periodically to review his progress.
3. Help with ‘adulting.’
In many homes, basic life skills such as maintaining a car or creating a budget are never discussed or demonstrated until a college student calls home with a flat tire on I-85 or asks for more money because her debit card was declined. Ideally, these conversations should happen in high school. But late is better than never.
Additionally, you might offer to pay for one visit with a financial counselor to help your child create a budget and a long-term financial goal. This will give her the opportunity to obtain sound financial advice apart from you. Remember, the goal is independence.
4. Get on your child’s game plan.
Too many parents feel like all they can do is stand beside the pool and deliver a “get moving” sermon to a disinterested adult child. Here’s a better option: make a date with your child to discuss her career goals. Ask her what she sees herself doing in five years. If she says, “Being a project manager at an engineering firm,” the next question is “What are some things you can do now to help you move toward that goal?” It’s important these goals be hers, not yours.
5. Talk about church.
Don’t assume your adult child will be going with you to church on Sunday. Ask. Extend the invitation, knowing he’s at a point in his life where he must own the faith you endeavored to teach him. Over his years at college, your child may have come to theological convictions that draw him to a different church than the one where he grew up. He may also struggle with how to reenter a church where he was previously known only as a kid.
Communicate your love for your child and your belief that church is the best thing for his soul, but don’t lord over him with commands like this: “As long as you live in this house, you will go to our church!”
Don’t assume your adult child will be going with you to church on Sunday. Ask.
Thankfully, most adult children are self-motivated enough not to just drift around in a pool. Parents who still feel their adult child “needs some work” would do well to remember they too are a work in progress. We need change as much as our adult children do.
Outward change is a good thing, but it’s the inward change of a never-dying soul that matters most. In all our efforts to successfully launch our adult children, we need to remember God alone changes hearts—including ours. When hearts change, behavior is sure to follow.
