For most of my life, finding mentors—much less good ones—at work was always a challenge. I’d identify someone I looked up to, and we’d meet for coffee and a chat. Then things would inevitably fizzle out. After many false starts, I was frustrated and discouraged.
A few years ago, I changed my approach and went from never having a mentor to having four great mentors over the last five years. Through that journey, I’ve discovered four key lessons that can help Christians establish meaningful, fruitful mentor-mentee relationships at work.
1. Mentorship relationships should be formalized.
We all dream of “organic” mentorship relationships where an older man or woman takes a genuine interest in you and starts inviting you to get coffee every week, but in my experience, that’s not how it happens.
Mentorship has worked best for me when I ask someone directly to be my mentor. My first work mentor was a vice president of sales 20 years my senior. I’d worked with him for a year on a few projects and knew we had a good rapport. I invited him to coffee and asked, “Will you be my mentor?”
I remember the thrill of fear when I popped the question. It felt awkward to be that direct, but it paid off. The benefit of such an explicit request is that it puts you both on the same page. Think of this as the “define the relationship” (or DTR, as millennials say) conversation.
Consider the most famous mentor-mentee relationship in Scripture, that of Paul and Timothy. Paul repeatedly refers to Timothy as his child in the faith (e.g., 1 Tim. 1:2). Their relationship was an unambiguous spiritual adoption of Timothy by Paul. Timothy wasn’t left wondering if he and his mentor were on the same page. That relational clarity enabled Paul to speak directly and specifically to challenges Timothy faced as he led the community of believers in Ephesus.
In the same way, Christians looking for mentorship at work can create clarity and aligned expectations by formalizing relationships with their mentors.
2. Mentorship should be centered around specific growth areas.
It feels consumeristic to want to “get something” from a mentorship relationship, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
When I asked my boss’s boss, Nathan, to be my mentor, he responded with a question I wasn’t ready for. “What would you like to get out of this relationship?” he asked. “What are your goals?”
Spelling out the outcomes I expected made me slightly uneasy, but in asking that question, Nathan reframed how I saw relationship.
It’s natural to admire would-be mentors. More often than not, they’ve achieved or experienced something we want to emulate. That’s why we want their guidance in the first place. A potential mentor might be someone who has had success in her career. Or perhaps you’re interested in his character, or how you’ve seen her respond under pressure.
It’s optimal if your mentor is also a Christian; however, in my experience, it isn’t strictly necessary. As Christians, we’re called to be set apart but also to engage with the culture (Jer. 29:4–7). Believers working in the secular world must navigate the tensions of being in the world but not “of the world” (John 17:16). This includes learning what we can from those who don’t share our faith.
A mentor is an adviser, and you aren’t obligated to take his advice. I don’t require my accountant or doctor to be a Christian. Instead, I limit my questions to their domains of expertise and evaluate their recommendations through the lens of Scripture. I view workplace mentorship in the same way. If a mentor advises me to do something I deem unwise or wrong, I simply thank her for her perspective and move on. The decision to act remains with me.
Focusing on specific growth areas is a wise and helpful practice. Many of us have sat down with a would-be mentor and had a pleasant but ultimately unproductive conversation. Identifying areas where your mentor (Christian or otherwise) can help you grow makes for a more focused, productive relationship.
3. Mentorship relationships should be term-limited.
When I ask someone to be my mentor at work, I make it a time-bound commitment. I ask would-be mentors to meet with me once every four to six weeks for a year, which amounts to between nine and twelve meetings.
Focusing on specific growth areas is a wise and helpful practice.
A clear term has benefits for him and for you. If the relationship isn’t as great as you hoped it’d be, you have a clear ending point. Without this, you face the uncomfortable choices of continuing to meet with your lackluster mentor forever, having a “break-up” conversation, or—the most likely scenario—both of you withdrawing and eventually ghosting each other.
Time-bound mentorship avoids all this and lets you end the formal relationship with celebration and gratitude rather than awkwardness and disappointment. If you happen to have a great experience with a mentor, you can always extend it (e.g., another year term) or continue to spend time with her in a more casual friendship.
4. A mentor is a sounding board, not a savior.
There’s no greater insight I’ve learned than this: your expectations for a mentor should be low. The only things you should expect from a mentor are that he (1) shows up consistently (or communicates to reschedule), (2) listens to you, and (3) answers your questions as best as he can.
Don’t expect her to share her struggles with you. Don’t expect her to adopt you into her family. Don’t expect her to guess what’s going on in your life. Don’t even expect her to come prepared.
Instead, you as a mentee should make it as easy as possible for her to be a great mentor for you. Here are three things that have helped me ease the burden on my mentors:
1. I come to every mentorship session with one or two topics to discuss. I talk through scenarios I’m facing, ask for advice on specific problems, or “pressure test” my long-term thinking or my harebrained theories about telecom pricing.
2. I provide context. I consider what background details my mentor needs to give me good advice. It’s easy to talk too much, so I rehearse in my head and try to be as succinct as possible.
3. I ask open-ended questions he can react to, like “How would you approach this situation?” or “What do you think about this idea?”
You may also need to adjust your approach depending on your mentor’s style. One of my mentors was a storyteller, sharing invaluable details and history about our industry. One mostly responded to my questions with questions, helping me develop my own thinking. Another only responded with cryptic answers I’d have to interpret after the fact. And one mentor would fire off hot takes I’d have to modulate down by 25 percent before implementing. Each relationship was valuable in its way, but I had to approach each one differently.
Make it as easy as possible for her to be a great mentor for you.
Mentors may offer to do other things for you. I’ve had mentors review my résumé, conduct mock interviews, and open doors with other people in my company, but those things shouldn’t be expected. A mentor isn’t there to solve your problems. She’s there to act as a sounding board, provide input, and guide you as you navigate your own life.
Guides for the Journey
As Christians, we’re on a journey of becoming more like Christ as we navigate the twists and turns of work. While the corporate world can offer professional development, don’t discount the development that can take place in the local church.
This form of mentorship is less formal but more vital. Conversations in the lobby, in small groups, and in Bible studies won’t help you get a promotion or nail that next presentation, but this spiritual formation develops the character you take to work with you every day.
As Christians who want to do excellent work as unto the Lord (Col. 3:23–24), we have a tremendous opportunity to cultivate robust, cross-generational mentor-mentee relationships to help us gain perspective and receive guidance. All it takes is a little thoughtful preparation.
