If I told you I grew up in a Christian household, was a pastor’s kid, had four sisters, and professed faith in Christ at 15, you’d assume I had a typical Christian life. But my life was anything but typical.
At 15, I began experiencing depression and having hallucinations of dark figures in my room. The hallucinations and voices continued for about a year. The depression seemed paralyzing as I got older.
I wasn’t sure how to deal with my struggles, and at 19, I told my family I wasn’t a Christian after all and that I wanted to live the way I saw fit.
But my life didn’t get better. I had a series of hypomanic and depressive episodes until I attempted suicide at 20. Realizing I needed help, I asked my parents for assistance. After a week in a psychiatric hospital, I returned home to live with them. Part of our arrangement was that I had to go to church. My parents suggested I pursue biblical counseling, but I shot it down immediately as I believed prayer and Scripture would be of no help in the mental turmoil I was experiencing.
I wanted to live the way I saw fit. But my life didn’t get better.
By God’s grace, in October of 2021, when I was 21, I experienced genuine conviction over my sin for the first time. I asked God to forgive me, and I turned my life over to Christ.
It was a messy life: I’d been diagnosed with bipolar II, generalized anxiety disorder, and ADHD, which felt like a lot. I also experienced sexual assault and rape, which led to PTSD. I was a wreck.
But God was working in my life. As time went on, my family and friends convinced me to see a biblical counselor. Kevin, my counselor, started meeting with me in February of this year, and this has completely transformed my view of suffering as well as my relationship with the Lord.
During our time together, I learned to apply Scripture to what I was going through, and that gave me a right view of God and of myself. The main themes we studied over those weeks were my position as a child of God, doing all for the glory of God, and faithfulness.
Child of God
One of my main concerns was that people were going to find out what had happened to me and what I was going through, and look at me differently or pity me.
When Kevin first said we’d look at how this issue relates to my position as a child of God, I was confused. I thought, Yeah, I’m a child of God, but what does that have to do with others’ opinions of me?
It turns out it has to do with the way I was thinking. Instead of identifying my position as a child of God, I was focused on my position as a peer. Kevin explained that I didn’t need to be concerned with what others were saying about me, because of what God says about me as his child.
The truth is that my faith is secure in Jesus and no one can take it away from me. If people think I’m lesser because of my mental health problems or feel pity for me because I’ve been assaulted, I shouldn’t worry—who are they to say anything about me when the Most High King sees me as his daughter?
I admit I’m sometimes still afraid people will find out my secret struggles. But I keep remembering the truth of who God is and of who I am because of Christ. Nothing can separate me from the love God has for me in Jesus (Rom. 8:30–39).
Glory of God
Later, Kevin and I began to consider how I could do everything for the glory of God. This seemed simple to me, but the more we unpacked it, the more I realized I didn’t fully understand it.
This hit home as I was, and still am, struggling through an eating disorder. I thought doing all to the glory of God meant giving him the credit for all I’m able to do. That’s not wrong, but I never viewed starving myself as something that didn’t bring glory to God—in my mind, it had nothing to do with our relationship. My mind was reoriented as Kevin and I worked through ideas as simple as how fueling my body brings glory to God.
Faithfulness
I tend to get discouraged when I’m experiencing eating disorder urges, self-harm impulses, and thoughts of suicide. But Kevin reminded me again and again that faithfulness doesn’t mean faultlessness.
Faithfulness doesn’t mean faultlessness.
When I experience urges and don’t give in, that’s faithfulness. When I want to starve myself but choose to nourish my body, that’s faithfulness. And when I do everything for the glory of God as my relationship with him grows every day, that’s faithfulness.
So now, as I struggle with all the same things, I meet with Kevin weekly. I’m reminded not only of God’s love for me as his child but that my small steps of faithfulness are helping to strengthen my relationship with him.
After all, the Christian life is about the thousands of daily steps of faithfulness.
