[Chapter 10] Living Beyond Your Feelings – Can I Control Something for a Change? by Joyce Meyers

CHAPTER 10
Can I Control Something for a Change?
It’s no wonder that we humans want to control things… there’s so much that’s
out of our control. But unfortunately, rather than bothering to try to control
ourselves, we usually try to control what we should not try to control. I spent
years trying to control the people in my life as well as all my circumstances
because I was afraid of being hurt or taken advantage of. But the only thing I
achieved was constantly being frustrated and angry. It took me a long time to
realize that people respond very defensively when we try to control them.
Everyone has a God-given right to freedom of choice, and they resent anyone who tries to take that from them. I finally realized that what I was doing was ungodly, and therefore it was never going to work. Not only would I never have peace because of my behavior, but I was also systematically alienating most of the people I wanted to have a relationship with. Sadly, I wasted a lot of years in this impossible pursuit before I realized that God wanted me to give Him control of every area of my life. When you stop to think about it, He is in control
anyway! But our peace comes as we surrender our desire to be in charge and
instead trust in Him.
God desires that we use the wonderful tools He has supplied to control
ourselves instead of trying to control people and things. He has given us His
Word, His Holy Spirit, and a wide variety of good fruit that we can develop.
Self-control is actually a fruit of the Spirit-led life (see Gal. 5:22–23). If you
have a tendency toward wanting to control the people and circumstances in your life, I want to strongly suggest that you give it up and start controlling yourself instead. This is your opportunity to say, “I am in control.”
Although learning to control ourselves requires patience and endurance, it is
well worth it in the end. My circumstances have much less control over me now,
simply because my first response is usually to work with God in how I am going to respond to the circumstance. I am in control by being in control of myself.

When your circumstance is unpleasant or even downright painful, exercise self-
control. Say something positive like, “This too will pass, and it will work out for my good in the end.” Then discipline yourself to put your time into something
that will benefit someone else. The best medicine is to do something good in
response to the evil coming against you.
I am in control by being in control of myself.
Happiest When Helping
A study on the principle of the Golden Rule was conducted by Bernard Rimland,
director of the Institute for Child Behavior Research. Each person involved in the study was asked to list ten people he knew best and to label them as happy or not happy. Then they were to go through the list again and label each one as selfish or unselfish. Rimland found that all the people labeled happy were also labeled unselfish. “The happiest people are those who help others,” he
concluded. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
God gives us an ability to love others at all times, but this ability is developed
only as we exercise it; and we all know that exercise requires discipline and self-
control. Start doing the right thing on purpose, rather than merely being a slave to how you feel at the moment.
We don’t have to wait to see how we feel about a thing and then respond. We
can respond properly no matter how we feel. Do you really want to be a slave all
of your life to your emotions? I am sure you don’t, but you are the only one who
can prevent that from happening.
Discipline might be one of the most misunderstood entities of all time. I don’t
think I know anyone who breaks into a smile in anticipation of exercising
discipline. But the truth is that discipline is our friend, not our enemy. It helps us
live the life that we will enjoy the most when all is said and done. Discipline
may not put a smile on our faces while it is in action, but its fruit is a successful
and joyful life.
Discipline is our friend, not our enemy. I doubt that it is possible to find a happy and successful person who does not

regularly discipline himself. I told you in the beginning that you would need to
make decisions as you read this book. No matter what you read or study, it will
not help you unless you make decisions. Do you want to be happy and
successful? If you do, then discipline is a must, and disciplining the emotions is
especially important.
The human personality consists of roughly four-fifths emotions and one-fifth
intellect. This means our decisions are made on the basis of 80 percent emotion
and 20 percent intellect or reason. It’s no wonder that we see so many people
make bad decisions! Many of our decisions are good, but if we don’t follow
through on them, they mean nothing. Emotion may help us get started in the
right direction, but it is rarely there at the finish line. Sooner or later we must
press forward without the support of emotion and employ discipline.
Translated from the Greek language, the word discipline means “saving the
mind or to be safe; an admonishment or calling to soundness of mind or to self-
control.” In other words, a person who is thinking properly with soundness of
mind will discipline all areas of her life. I believe our thoughts, words, and
emotions are among the most important areas we need to discipline. A
disciplined person must maintain the correct mental attitude toward issues that
arise. It is much easier to maintain a right attitude than to regain it once it is lost.
Don’t let that thought pass by without thinking it over. Let me say it again: It is
much easier to maintain a right attitude than to regain it once it is lost.
God did not give us a spirit of timidity (of cowardice, of craven and
cringing and fawning fear), but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of
love and of calm and well-balanced mind and discipline and self-control.
(2 Timothy 1:7)
We can clearly see from this scripture that God has equipped us with a sound
mind, one that stays calm (not emotional), well-balanced, disciplined, and self-
controlled. However, we must choose to use our sound minds. Having a thing
does no good if we don’t use it, and it is almost always painful to start using
something that has lain dormant for a long time. When I started working out at
the gym and using the muscle I already had, I can assure you it was painful. It
stands to reason that if any person has allowed his emotions to have control and
has spent most of his life doing what he felt like doing, it will be painful when he
begins to exercise discipline. It is always hard to do something we are not

accustomed to doing, but if we don’t do it, we will be sorry later on.
Dave says, “We can either make ourselves accountable or we will eventually
be made accountable by our circumstances.” If a person doesn’t discipline their
spending, they will eventually be made accountable by the debt they have
incurred and the pressure and problems it causes. If a person doesn’t discipline
herself to do what is needed in order to maintain a good marriage, she may end
up in a messy divorce with lots of people getting hurt.
Hannah Whitehall Smith, the author of The Christian’s Secret of a Happy
Life, said, “God disciplines the soul by inward exercises and outward
providences.” What she means is that God will put into our hearts the right thing
to do in every situation, but if we choose not to do it, then He will allow our
circumstances to become our teacher.
I Want It, and I Am Going to Get It!
Although determination is a great asset and vital to success, it can be very
unattractive and dangerous if it is rooted in fleshly, carnal passions rather than in
God’s will.
The book of Jude mentions three men whose attitude was “I want it, and I am
going to get it!” That attitude brought destruction into each of their lives.
Woe to them! For they have run riotously in the way of Cain, and have
abandoned themselves for the sake of gain [it offers them, following] the
error of Balaam, and have perished in rebellion [like that] of Korah!
(v. 11)
Cain, Balaam, and Korah all abandoned themselves to unbridled emotion for
the sake of what they thought it would bring them, and their rebellion against
God and the wisdom He had placed in them caused them to perish.
Cain wanted the favor that his brother, Abel, had with God, but he didn’t
want to do what Abel did to get it. Abel had brought his very best offering to
God, while Cain brought something, but not his best. God accepted Abel and his
offering but not Cain’s, and when Cain displayed jealousy and hatred toward his
brother, God said, “Sin crouches at your door; its desire is for you, but you must
master it” (Gen. 4:7).
Cain didn’t deal with his sinful passion and wrong desire, and he rose up and

killed his brother. Because he did not discipline his emotions, he would spend
the remainder of his life living under a curse. God told him that when he tilled
the ground it would not yield its strength; that he would be a fugitive and a
vagabond on the earth, living in perpetual exile, a degraded outcast. Just stop for
a moment and ask yourself whether his unbridled emotions brought him joy and
success.
In Numbers 16 we meet Korah, one of 250 men who rose up against Moses,
God’s chosen man to lead the Israelites into the Promised Land. Apparently,
Korah and his associates didn’t like the choice that God had made, and they
were jealous of Moses’ authority. They gathered together against Moses and
Aaron, complaining that they were lifting themselves up above everyone else. In
other words, “Moses, we don’t like your attitude. Who do you think you are?
Don’t try to tell us what to do because we are just as important as you are.” They
missed the entire point, which was that God had put Moses in the job he had, and
it was their job to submit to God’s choice. Their blessing would have been in
their submission, but they listened to their feelings instead of wisdom.
When Moses heard what they said, he began to pray for them, knowing how
dangerous their rebellious words were. To make a long story short, God opened
a hole in the earth and it swallowed Korah and his men and all they had… end of
story!
God gave them an opportunity to change their minds and realize how blessed
they were to be chosen as leaders, but they still were not satisfied because they
wanted what Moses had and were determined they were going to get it. But in
the end, they not only did not get what they wanted, but they lost everything they
had, including their lives.
Balaam was a prophet or a foreteller of future events. He was a man greatly
used by God and one whose advice was sought by many. The king of Moab
wanted Balaam to curse the king’s enemies so he could defeat them, but Balaam
refused. God spoke to Balaam and told him not to curse the people because He
had already blessed them. At first Balaam told Moab that he could not comply
with his wishes because God had already given him direction. Moab offered
gifts and money, hoping to persuade Balaam to change his mind (see Num. 22).
For a while, Balaam persisted in doing what he knew was right. But
eventually greed got the best of him, and he went along with King Moab,
intending to attempt to go against God. God sent the Angel of the Lord, who
used a donkey to pin the great prophet against the wall, crush his foot, and speak
to him. How embarrassing it must have been for the so-called great and sought-

after man to be corrected by a donkey! Eventually, Balaam’s eyes were opened,
and he saw the angel who told him that he had been willfully obstinate and
contrary toward God. Thankfully, Balaam saw how foolish he was being before
it was too late and told King Moab that he had no power at all to say anything
except what God told him to say (see Num. 22:38).
If we persist in following unbridled emotion, the result will not be good, but
it is never too late to get back on the right path. Cain and Korah did not change
and were destroyed, but Balaam made a change before it was too late.
I love learning because it gives me the option of changing what is wrong and
doing what is right. Please don’t read this book as if it were a nice story about
other people. Apply its message to your own life, and don’t let emotion rule you.
But It Feels Right!
I think there are levels of feeling, and we need to be able to discern the
difference between surface feelings and those things we feel deep in our hearts.
There are times when I feel deep in my spirit that God wants me to do or not do
a thing, and it is important for me to follow those feelings, but there are other
more surface feelings that cause me trouble if I follow them. For instance, I
might feel like eating brownies and ice cream every night followed by a huge
bowl of salty popcorn, but it will definitely cause trouble. I will gain weight, and
I won’t feel as energetic as I should. As I mentioned earlier in the book, we are
spirits who have souls and bodies. Our spirits are the deepest parts of us, and the
place where God makes His home after we receive Jesus Christ as our Savior.
Our regenerated spirits become the throne of God and He speaks to us, leading
and guiding us from there. There are other feelings we have that are merely
emotion and they reside in the soul, a more shallow part of our being. As long as
we follow those feelings, we will never get what we truly want out of life, and
we will actually make lots of messes that cause trouble for us and for others.
A good example of a person following a surface feeling is found in Genesis
27. In his old age, Isaac had lost his eyesight. He knew that he was going to die
soon, and it was time to give the blessing of the firstborn to his elder son, Esau.
He had two sons, Esau and Jacob, and his wife, Rebekah, favored Jacob. She
wanted him to have the blessing rather than Esau. Since Isaac could not see well,
Rebekah hatched a plan to deceive him by making him believe that Jacob was
Esau.
Esau was a hairy man, and Jacob had smooth skin. Rebekah placed an animal

skin on Jacob’s arm and told him to go to his father and pretend to be his
brother. When the special meal required for the blessing ceremony was prepared
and it was time to give the blessing, Isaac felt in his heart that Jacob could not be
Esau, but he felt his arm and decided it must be Esau because he was hairy. This
single instance of following the wrong feelings caused trouble for many years to
come.
It caused trouble between the brothers; it caused fear, hiding, dread of being
caught, guilt over the deception, and lots of other negative emotions that were all
rooted in the one action of following a surface feeling rather than a deeper heart
feeling.
Just imagine all the negative results when a married man has an extramarital
affair because of feelings he experienced toward another woman. Or think of the
years that so many spend in prison because they followed feelings of rage or
anger and murdered someone, even though they knew deep inside it was wrong.
There are times when something may feel right, but it is wise to check to see
where the feeling is coming from. Is it just an emotional feeling or is it
something you truly feel in your heart is right?
It Feels Like God’s Will
How can we know the will of God? This is perhaps one of the most important
issues for Christians who want to obey God. Surely Isaac would not have
purposely disobeyed God, but because he followed his feelings without putting
them to the test, he did.
“I just felt this is what God wanted me to do” can be a lame excuse for self-
will, but the sincere Christian will test the impression he has received to examine
its validity.
First Thessalonians 5:21 states that we should test everything and hold on to
what is good. Satan often appears as an angel of light. He will even whisper
Scripture to us to confirm something we want to do, if doing it will get us into
trouble. We can make the Bible say almost anything by taking bits and pieces of
it, but if we examine all of Scripture as a whole, it will protect our path.
Martin liked cars. In fact, he was obsessed with having a new one every year.
He enjoyed the whole experience of shopping for the car, test-driving the car,
bargaining with the salesman, driving it off the car lot, washing and polishing it
in his driveway, and having the neighbors come over to admire it. When Martin
went out to buy his new car for the current year, his wife was set against it. She

felt that they needed to get out of debt instead of incurring more debt. Martin
told her that he would pray about it and would not do it unless he felt that God
approved. Martin was sincere about hearing from God, but he also had a very
strong desire for the car. As he prayed and waited on God, he opened his Bible
and his eyes rested on Psalm 67:6, which reads, “The earth has yielded its
harvest [in evidence of God’s approval]; God, even our own God, will bless us.”
Martin decided that getting the car he wanted was his harvest for working
hard during the past year and that it was God’s way of blessing him. It is a good
scripture, and certainly Martin could have received it as approval to get the car,
except God’s Word also teaches us to get out of debt and that the borrower is a
servant to the lender. God’s Word warns against greed and overusing the things
of this world. Martin’s decision was going to cause strife with his wife, and the
car he already had was a perfectly wonderful car. The payment on the new car
was going to be $150 a month more than his current payment, and it was going
to create the need for financial adjustments that Martin had decided could come
from the family clothing allowance. In other words he was being selfish, which
the Bible clearly teaches against.
In this instance Martin used Scripture to get his own way without honestly
looking at the whole counsel of God’s Word.
In James Dobson’s book Emotions: Can You Trust Them? he draws on the
wisdom of Martin Wells Knapp, who in his 1892 book Impressions suggested
four simple questions that could be used to test our urges and impressions. I’ve
paraphrased Knapp’s questions below and applied them to Martin’s desire for a
new car:
1. Is what you want to do scriptural? Is it in harmony with the entire Bible?
2. Is it right when examined by morality and decency? Certainly the
purchase of an automobile is not morally wrong or indecent, but Martin’s
selfish behavior was not right.
3. Is God’s providence opening the door for what we desire, or are we
kicking the door down? If God had suddenly provided an additional $150
per month in income, or if the car dealership had offered to take Martin’s
current car in trade and assured him the payment would be no higher than
his current one, then he might have rightly concluded that God was
opening the door for him to have the car. As it was, though, Martin had
none of those providential signs.

4. Is it reasonable? Was it even common sense for Martin to feel he must
have a new automobile every year, even though his family would need to
sacrifice for him to do so? Was his decision going to build good family
relationships and teach his children how to manage their finances
properly as they grew into adulthood? Was his decision consistent with
the character of God?
We can easily see that if Martin had submitted his desire to a scriptural test,
he would have known that purchasing the new car at that time was incorrect. As
humans we sadly fall into this pit of doing what we want to do and then saying
we felt it was God urging on our actions. God does speak to His people and
promises to lead and guide us, but it is dangerous to blindly follow every
impression one receives.
I Feel Excited About This!
Excitement is a good feeling; we all enjoy it. Sometimes we need the fuel of
excitement to help us enjoy a thing, but at other times if we make serious
decisions based on excitement alone, it can cause trouble.
Excitement might be referred to as impulse that is a sudden urge to do a
thing. The Bible tells us that catering to impulse is a sign of spiritual immaturity
and is not pleasing to God (see Rom. 8:8, 1 Cor. 3:1–3). If we took the time to
examine some of our feelings, we would find them to be very irrational.
For example, people often commit to things that are actually impossible for
them to do. They commit in excitement or due to an impulse without taking the
time to consider whether they will be able to finish what they started. If we are
honest, we have to admit that we create a lot of the messes in our lives ourselves.
We may blame them on other things and people, but truly much of it is our own
fault.
Have you ever done anything impulsively and been very sorry later but had
no way to undo what you had done? I know I have, and I don’t think there is a
worse feeling in the world for me. I know the trouble that can be caused by
following sudden urges without examining them wisely.
Feelings are very fickle. They are always changing; they come and go like
the waves in the ocean. They are up, then down, and seem to be controlled by
some unseen force that we don’t understand. “Why do I feel the way I feel?” is a

frequently asked question, but our confusion is often like what someone with no
scientific knowledge might feel trying to understand why sometimes the ocean is
smooth and flat and at other times it is thrashing about wildly. It just is, and we
accept that.
If we are wise, we don’t go sailing in the ocean when it is wild with waves
that appear dangerous, and neither should we get into our emotions when they
are wildly changing; first up and then down, here and there, coming and going.
The best thing to do is wait for them to settle before taking any action. Take the
helm and sail your own ship. Don’t just get into the boat with nobody at the
helm and merely hope that the waves of life take you somewhere good.
Don’t just get into the boat with nobody at the
helm and merely hope that the waves of life
take you somewhere good.
Decision and confession: I will control how I respond to every situation.