[BOOK SUMMARY] BOUNDARIES By Henry Cloud AND John Townsend.

BOOK TITLE: BOUNDARIES.

By: Henry Cloud AND John Townsend.

ABOUT THE AUTHORS: Henry Cloud AND John Townsend.

Henry Cloud:
Dr. Henry Cloud is an acclaimed leadership expert, clinical psychologist and New York Times bestselling author. His 45 books, including the iconic Boundaries, have sold over 20 million copies worldwide. He has an extensive executive coaching background and experience as a leadership consultant, devoting the majority of his time working with CEOs, leadership teams, and executives to improve performance, leadership skills and culture. Dr. Cloud lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Tori, and their two daughters, Olivia and Lucy.

John Townsend:

Dr. John Townsend is a business consultant, leadership coach and psychologist. He has written over 30 books, selling 10 million copies, including the New York times best-selling Boundaries series, People Fuel, Leading From Your Gut, and The Entitlement Cure.

For more than twenty years Dr. Townsend has engaged with leaders, organizations and individuals around the globe, offering them life-changing solutions to their problems. He hosts his own online live video call-in program, “Dr. Townsend Live.” He is also co-host of the nationally-syndicated talk show “NEW LIFE LIVE” which is heard in 180 markets with 3 million listeners.

In addition to being a thought leader, coach and speaker, John spends much of his time developing others through the TOWNSEND LEADERSHIP PROGRAM, and the TOWNSEND INSTITUTE FOR LEADERSHIP AND COUNSELING.

The aim of this book is to help you know how to appropriately use biblical boundaries to achieve the relationships and purposes that God intend for you as his child.

LEAD #1: WHAT DOES A BOUNDARY LOOK LIKE?

Do you know that any confusion of responsibility and ownership in our lives, is a problem of boundaries.
Have you wondered why homeowners set physical property lines around their land?
This tells us that we need to set Physical, Mental, Emotional and Spiritual boundaries for our lives so as to enable us to truly know what exactly our responsibility is, and what it isnt.
Always know that delay in setting boundaries at the right time is dangerous.
Do you know that the owner of a property is legally responsible for whatever happens in his property. Non owners are not responsible for the property.

In the physical world, boundaries are easy to see (fences, lawns, etc), in the spiritual world, boundaries are real, but hard to see.

It ia good to know that boundaries defines us. It defines ‘What is Me’ and ‘What is Not Me’. It tells you where you should take ownership an stop and where someone else should begin. Having this knowledge will give you freedom. Boundaries helps us to keep the good in, and the bad out.

LEAD #2: GOD AND BOUNDARIES.

Be aware that the concept of boundary comes from the very nature of God. God himself is a distinct, separate being and he is responsible for himself. He takes responsibility for his personality by telling us what he thinks, like, dislike, feel, plans, allow. He tells us who he is and who he is not.

He made it clear to us that he is love, not darkness.
Let’s read this scripture: 1john4:16 TPT

We have come into an intimate experience with God’s love, and we trust in the love he has for us.
God is love! Those who are living in love are living in God, and God lives through them.

He has boundaries within the trinity: The Father, the Son, and the Spirit are one, but at the same time, they are distinct persons with their own boundaries.
Each has their own responsibilities as well as a connection and love for one another.

Let’s look at this scripture: John17:24 TPT

“Father, I ask that you allow everyone that you have given to me
to be with me where I am!
Then they will see my full glory–
the very splendor you have placed upon me
because you have loved me even before the beginning of time.

God also limits what he will allow in his yard. Little wonder why he confronts sin and allows consequences for behavior.

LEAD #3: EXAMPLES OF BOUNDARIES

Whatever you do that can differentiate you from someone else is a boundary. There are some exemplary ways people set boundaries.

SKIN: Some people are careful on what they eat, what they apply on their skin, who touches them and where they’re being touched etc.

WORDS: Some don’t know When to say YES, how to say NO.
Some do and some don’t know how to create good protective fences with their words.
Some passively comply but inwardly resent.

Be aware that your words communicate your feelings, intentions, likes and dislikes to others.
Your words let people know where you stand and makes them identify you.

TRUTH: Let’s look at Gal 6:7 TPT

Make no mistake about it, God will never be mocked! For what you plant will always be the very thing you harvest.

To be in touch with God’s truth is to be In touch with reality. You can either agree with the above Scripture or continuously get hurt each time you try to go against it.

There is always safety in the truth.

TIME: Taking time off from a person can be a way of regaining ownership over some ‘ out of control’ aspect of your life where boundaries need to be set.

EMOTIONAL DISTANCE: This is a way of giving your heart the space it needs to be safe for a temporary time. People in abusive relationships need this type of boundary and wait until its safe before they go back

LEAD #4: WHAT’S WITHIN MY BOUNDARIES?

FEELINGS: Never forget that your feelings are your own responsibility you must own.
You must see them as your problem, so you can begin to find an answer to whatever issue they’re pointing at.

ATTITUDES AND BELIEFS: Attitude has to do with your orientation towards others.
Beliefs are anything that you accept as true.
We need to own our attitudes and convictions and it is us who can change them because we feel their effect.

BEHAVIORS: Behaviors have consequences like Gal 6:7-8 highlighted.
To rescue people from the natural consequences of their behavior is to render them powerless.

CHOICES: Always know that you alone are in control of your choices no matter how you feel.
You’re the one who nay be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be happy with.

LIMITS: We can set limits on our own exposure to people who are behaving poorly.
We need to be able to say ‘NO’ to ourselves, especially to destructive desires and to some good desires that are not wise to pursue at a given time

LEAD #5: BOUNDARY PROBLEMS

First thing first is this, teaching a person that setting boundaries or saying ‘No’ is bad, it’s a way of making them defenseless on this world which is so full of evil.

This can make such one handicapped for life. This type of boundary problem is called compliance.
This can make them unable to recognize what is ‘obviously evil’. Making them unable to guard their hearts as its said in the book of Proverbs 4:23.

They will find difficulty saying ‘No’ for these few reasons and more..

Fear of hurting other people’s feelings.
Fear of punishment.
Fear of being ashamed.
Fear of being portrayed as ‘selfish.’ Etc.

Another boundary problem is the Avoidants. People in this category, say ‘No’ to the good.
When they’re in need, they do not ask for the support of others

Rev 3:20 TPT:
Behold, I’m standing at the door, knocking. If your heart is open to hear my voice and you open the door within, I will come in to you and feast with you, and you will feast with me.

God designed our personal boundaries to have gates, thereby giving us freedom to enjoy safe relationships and avoid destructive ones.
For avoidants, opening up to both God and man Is almost impossible.
They feel drained almost all the time with nothing to replace the lost energy.

Another boundary problem are the Controllers. They love to control.
People in this category find it difficult hearing and accepting others boundaries. They can’t respect others’ limits.

Since they can’t take responsibility for their own lives, they prefer controlling others.
This is why they are perceived as bullies, manipulators and aggressive.
They use any means of control to motivate others to carry the responsibility/load/duty intended by God to be theirs alone.

Controllers are in two forms. We have;
A Aggressive controllers.
B Manipulative controllers.

Aggressive Controllers:
They dont listen to others’ boundaries.
They area most times verbally and physically abusive.
They live in a world of ‘YES’.
There’s no place for someone else’s ‘N0’

Mark 8:33 Peter is an example of this.
When Jesus told his disciples his mission, Peter took Jesus aside and rebuked him, Jesus rebuked him back.

Manipulative Controllers.
They try to persuade people out of their boundaries.
They talk others into ‘YES’.
They seduce others into carrying their burdens (using guilt messages).
Delaying gratification is difficult for them.
They are slaves to their appetites.
Gen 25: 29-34 Jacob is an example of this. Gen 27:1-29 Jacob’s mum too.

Another boundary problem is the non-responsive.

Looking at Proverbs 3:27 TPT says:
Why would you withhold payment on your debt when you have the ability to pay? Just do it.

Romans 12:18 TMB
Do everything possible on your part to live in peace with everybody.

From the above scripture, its obvious that its our responsibility to care and help with certain limits, others whom God places in our lives.
People in this category see others as responsible for their struggles and are on the lookout for who will take care of them.

LEAD #6: HOW BOUNDARIES ARE DEVELOPED.

Do you know that boundaries aren’t inherited, instead, they are built.
Developing boundaries is a very crucial part of life, especially the early stage of life where character is being formed.

Always know that you can’t develop or set boundaries apart from supportive relationships with God and others.
We are built for relationships (Gen2:18). This is why attachment is the soul of one’s existence.

Bonding: This is the first stage.
The needs for closeness. This is obvious between babies and their mother.

Separation and Individualism: The construction of a soul.
In this stage, a child begins to see himself as distinct from his parents.
Luke 2:49 TPT:
Jesus said to them, “Why would you need to search for me? Didn’t you know that it was necessary for me to be here in my Father’s house, consumed with him?”

This scripture tells us that Jesus wanted his mum to know that his thoughts, values and opinions are different from hers. This is because he already knew who he was and who he wasn’t.
This stage isn’t a smooth process, because the child feels safe enough to start taking risks.
They’re full of energy with no impulse control

 

LEAD #7: HOSTILITY AGAINST BOUNDARIES.

Parental limits are crucial. This is why children need to know behavioriallines.
Good relationships are built on the freedom to refuse and confront. The same way mature characters are built on appropriate nos.
This is why Prov 27:17 has this to say:
You use steel to sharpen steel,
and one friend sharpens another.

Parents need to stay attached and connected to their children even when they ( their children) disagree with them.
This doesn’t mean they shouldn’t get angry, it means they shouldn’t withdraw.

Remember God’s discipline ‘teaches’, not ‘punishes’.
As a parent, when you greet your children’s disagreement, disobedience, or practices with simple hostility, you’ve denied your children the benefits of being trained.
This is because they’ve not learned that delaying gratification and being responsible have benefits. Rather what they’ve learnt is how to avoid someone’s wrath.
This is why they prefer hiding under a compliant smile.

Do you know that hostility can create problems in both saying and hearing no.
Looking at Colossians 3:21 and Ephesians 6:4, will make you see why many grow up to be just like the hostile parent who hurt them.

 

LEAD #8: TEN LAWS OF BOUNDARIES

Law One: Sowing and Reaping.

The same way the law of cause and effect is a basic law of life, so also is this above mentioned. This is exactly how things really are, as said in Gal 6:7-8.

Sometimes people don’t reap what they sow because someone else stepped in and reap the consequences for them. The law of sowing and reaping can be interrupted and it’s interrupted by people who don’t have boundaries. This makes the doer not to suffer the consequences, but someone else.

Rescuing a person from the natural consequences of his behavior enables him to continue in irresponsible behavior.
Confronting an irresponsible person isn’t painful to him, only consequences are.

Law Two: The Law of Responsibility.

Loving ‘one another’ is inclusive. We are to love one another, Not be one another. This is why you can’t think, feel, reason for another. The biblical mandate for our own personal growth is highlighted in Philippians 2:12-13. “Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling.’

Law Three: The Law of Power

You have the power to seek out those that you have injured and make amends.
You have the power to admit to the truth about your problems and submit your inabilities to God.
You have the power to search and ask God and others to reveal more and more about what is within your boundaries.
You have the power to humble yourself and ask God and others to help you with your developmental injuries and leftover childhood needs.

 

Law Four: The Law of Respect.

We need to love and respect the boundaries of others in order to command respect for our own. Remember freedom begets freedom.

 

Law Five: The Law of Motivation.

If your giving is not leading to cheer, then you need to examine this law.
This last states thus: Freedom first, Service second.
If you serve to get free of your fear, you are doomed to failure.

Law Six: The Law of Evaluation.

There are things that can hurt but not harm us. In fact, they can be good for us, yet very harmful afterwards.
We need confrontation and truth from others to grow.
Admonition from a friend while it can hurt, can also help.

 

Law Seven: The Law of Proactivity.

There’s a popular quote that states: For every action, there’s an equal and opposite reaction.
Proactive people don’t demand rights, they live them.
Proactive people shows you what they love, want, propose, and stands for. These people (proactive people) are totally different from people who are known by what they hate, don’t like or stand against.

 

Law Eight: The Law of Envy.

Envy defines ‘good’ as ‘What I do not possess’, and hates the good that it has.
People I’m this category, negate their own actions, thereby comparing themselves to others.

Law Nine: The Law of Activity.

The Bible made us to understand that the sin God rebukes is not ‘trying and failing’, but ‘failing to try’.
This is why human beings are responders and imitators.

Law Ten: The Law of Exposure.

This law states that your boundaries need to be made visible to others and communicated to them in relationship.
If our boundaries are not communicated and expossed directly, they will be communicated indirectly or through manipulation.
Some have secret boundaries due to fear, so they rather withdraw passively and quietly rather than communicating an honest ‘no’ to someone they love.

 

LEAD #9: BOUNDARY AND YOUR FAMILY.

For marriage to work, the spouse need to loosen her ties with her family of origin and forge new ones with the new family she is creating through marriage. It doesn’t kick against relationships with extended family but simply setting clear boundaries with the family of origin.

Triangulation is a common boundary problem with families of origin. This is why a family needs to decide what they want to give and not give, so as to continue loving and appreciating their parents and not grow resentful.

Some families can tear down their best-built fences because they are ‘family’.
Try to find out the boundary problem that exist between you and your parents or siblings, then practice boundary skills, such that it will be honoured and respected.
This is because when you respond, you remain in control, with options and choices.
Remember, the difference between responding and reacting is choice.
This is why you must learn to love in freedom and responsibility, not In guilt.

 

 

LEAD #10: BOUNDARIES AND YOUR
SPOUSE

Feelings: Feelings are warning signals telling us that we need to do something. Not dealing with it can kill a relationship.

Desires: Each spouse needs to take responsibility for this.
The other person is not responsible for our limktdy, we are. We are responsible for drawing the line. Failure to do this can make us resentful.

People who set set limits, exhibit self-control and show responsibility for themselves. This is because setting limits is an act of love in marriage.

When applying the ten laws of boundaries to marriage, couples need to understand these things:

The law of Sowing and Reaping allows spouses to suffer the consequences of their actions.

The law of power makes you do what you have power over, so as to give up trying to have control over others.

The law of evaluation demands that when you set boundaries, you should be lovingly responsible to the person in pain.

The law of exposure suggests that boundaries need to first be communicated verbally, and then with actions. And it must be clear and unapologetic.

In marriage, freedom is one issue that needs to be examined, next is grace.
Also understanding the nature of a couple’s marital relationship is key.
It’s also key to create room for ‘Balance’ in such marriage. This is because every marriage is made up of two ingredients: Togetherness and Separateness.

LEAD #11: BOUNDARY AND YOUR CHILDREN.

Responsibility is a gift of enormous value.
This is why when it comes to children, if you teach them responsibility, limit setting, and delay gratification early on, their later years of life will go smoothly.

There are two sides disciplining children:

The Positive side: This involves productivity, prevention and instruction.
{Here, you sit them down to educate and train them in a task}
The negative side: This involves correction, chastisement and consequences.
{Here, you let them suffer the results of their actions, so they learn a lesson in responsibility.}

This is why practice is important in learning boundaries and responsibility. Our mistakes are our teacher.

Discipline is an external boundary designed to develop internal boundaries in our children.
This is because it provides a structure of safety until the child has enough structure in his character to not need it anymore.

It’s good we know that discipline and punishment are not the same.
Discipline: It’s the natural law of God. I looks forward.
Punishment: Its payment for wrongdoing. It looks back.

Children should be taught convictions such as:
√ My success or failure in life largely depends on me.

√ Though I am to look to God and others for comfort and instruction, I alone am responsible for my choices.

√ Though I am deeply affected by my significant relationships throughout my life, I can’t blame my problems on anyone but myself.

√ Though i will always fail and need support, i can’t depend on over responsible individual to constantly bail me out of my spiritual, emotional, financial and relational issues.

 

LEAD #12: BOUNDARY AND WORK.

First thing first is for us to know that ‘work’ is a spiritual activity. The God who created us is a worker himself, a creator, developer, manager, steward and healer.
This is why ‘work’ is an avenue where our characters can be developed to prepare us for a lifetime journey.

Getting Saddled With Another Person’s Responsibility:
When a coworker asks you to do something that is not your responsibility, politely say ‘No: and refuse to do it. If such a coworker gets angry, still be firm in your boundary decision.
Never fall into the trap of justifying why you can’t do what he asks of you because you owe no one an explanation.

Working Too Much Overtime:
You need to know that poor planning on one’s part does not constitute an emergency on your part.
If you’re working more overtime than you want, you’re in bondage of your work, a slave, and not an employee under contract.

Misplaced Priorities:
This talks about knowing what you can do and when to do it, and saying ‘No’ to everything else.
Strive to do excellent work and spend your time on the most important things.
This is why ‘limits on good things, keeps them good.’

Disliking Your Job:
Boundaries are where our identity comes from. It defines ‘What is Me’ and ‘,What is not Me’.
This when you hear statements like:
I never wanted to be a pastor anyway, it was my mother’s wish, not mine.
Many stumble from job to job because they’ve not found a true work identity.

 

LEAD #13: HOW TO MEASURE SUCCESS WITH BOUNDARIES.

1. Resentment- Our Early Warning Sign:

When you feel a sense of resentment, anger or frustration at the subtle or not-so-subtle violation of your life.
People who can’t get angry when they’re been violated, manipulated or controlled have a genuine handicap. This is because no ‘Warning Light’ alerts them to boundary problems.

2. A Change of Tastes- Becoming Drawn to Boundary Lovers:

Here, you suddenly will become attracted to people who respect your ‘No’ without being critical, getting hurt, or personalizing it. This is because in them, you find permission to be honest, authentic and loving.

3. Loving The Boundaries of Others:

√ When loving others boundaries, it confronts our selfishness and omnipotence.
√ It increases our capacity to care about others.
√ It teaches us empathy.
Remember Galatians 5:14.

4. Mature Boundaries Value-Driven Goal Setting:

Setting boundaries mature, proactive, initiative-thinking. It’s our ability to be in control of our lives.
These kinds of individuals aren’t moving strategically to achieving their personal goals.
Their reward for their wise boundaries is the joy of desires fulfilled in their lives.

 

 

KEY INSIGHTS FROM THE BOOK ????.

✍???? Boundaries defines ‘what is me’ and ‘what is not me’.

✍???? You alone are in control of your choices no matter how you feel.

✍???? Attitude has to do with your orientation towards others.
Beliefs are anything that you accept as true.

✍???? Our personal boundaries to have gates, thereby giving us freedom to enjoy safe relationships and avoid destructive ones.

✍???? We need to be able to say ‘NO’ to ourselves, especially to destructive desires and to some good desires that are not wise to pursue at a given time

✍???? Boundaries aren’t inherited, they are built.

✍???? Good relationships are built on the freedom to refuse and confront.

✍???? Mature characters are built on appropriate nos✍????

✍???? God’s discipline ‘teaches’, not ‘punish’.

✍???? Freedom begets freedom.

✍???? Proactive people don’t demand rights, they live them.

✍???? human beings are responders and imitators.

✍???? The difference between responding and reacting is choice.

✍???? Learn to love in freedom and responsibility, not In guilt.

✍???? Feelings are warning signals telling us that we need to do something.

✍???? Setting limits is an act of love in marriage.

✍???? Responsibility is a gift of enormous value.

✍???? Discipline is an external boundary designed to develop internal boundary in our children.

✍???? Discipline is not payment for a wrong, it’s the natural law of God.

✍???? Discipline looks forward, punishment looks back.

✍???? Boundaries are designed to keep the good in, and the bad out.

✍???? poor planning on one’s part does not constitute an emergency on your part.

✍???? Life without boundaries is no life at all.20